self hatred

this feeling that i cant put into words is painful

everytime i tried to ignore it. yet my heart doesn't forget

numbness

confused

i tried to get by

every single day that pass

it was crying

getting used it for a long time

im afraid that i myself dont exactly know its roots.

where does this pain came from

how

when

where

it was shattered into pieces

broken that i tried to mend in all sort of ways

destructive

helpless

i end up running away

looking for an escape

hurting people around me

selfishly took everybody's kindness

corrupted their feelings

lies

betrayals

sin

wasted assumptions

i have been feeling this for a while a now.
drunken or not its still the same.still hurts like hell
in every scenario, there are different versions.
my version and yours
how stupid

am i a joke? to think i was feeling bad all these years of leaving you behind.
different story,
different approach
yet same shit.

I'm feeling in pain and i cant find the wounds.
where to start in mending it.
inner tremors, unspoken feelings.
you have no idea. you have no way to know.
coz i, myself kept it all, down to the core
to the deepest woods
to the complex rays
the complicated self that make this more complicated
so tired
vagueness

from the start, such a fake
mixed signals, no concrete feelings
got consumed, corrupted
yet we smile, i smile
you cried, i cried
your lost, I'm broken
but its painful and still hurting